Tetris Attack! Let the seizures begin! 
Monday, March 2, 2009, 11:10 PM - Nintendo
A while back, a friend of mine acquired a mysterious cartridge for the snes, she had no idea what kind of malevolent energies oozed and burbled behind that plastic facade... She lent the game to my friend, Jason... And that was the beginning of the end... For who would know that the puzzle game was itself a sort of Pandora's box, waiting only for the right sort of manipulation to bring forth screaming, blocky horrors from the abyss?

Yes, my friends, a true tale of terror.

It started innocently enough, in the back room of Jason's house. Both of us being highly competitive, we practiced for seemingly endless, thumb-paralyzing sessions... Every now and then, we would test our skills against the uninitiated, predictably smashing them flat with a wild hailstorm of debris... It wasn't until my lust for power conquered my sense of friendly sportsmanship that the game began to reveal its true face.

I had some time alone with this sinister cartridge, and I was determined not to let it go to waste. I set the A.I. to 10, the highest setting, and was destroyed time and time again, locked into the adrenaline rush of battling an enemy that could not be defeated, a wicked god of chains and combos... But the beast had a blindspot, and though I did not notice it at first, my game improved.

When Jason came home that day, I challenged him... And unlike the more familiar outcome, I won many of the matches. He asked me what I'd done to improve so quickly. I said "Super-Saiyen training"... He took the idea and ran with it. Gone were the days of friendly competition, things had gone out of control, and became even more treacherous by the day. It wasn't until the seemingly godly A.I. was conquered that it became apparent; conservative strategies tend to win out against pure speed. This opened up a new dimension of gameplay, accentuating elements that had been ignored up until that point. This went on for quite some time, a relentless sort of see-saw of ability which only stoked the fire to win more.

All of the energies that had built up came to a head one day, at a party at a friend's house. I had eaten 4 tiny pieces of white paper and was just settling down to enjoy myself when another friend, who'd taken an interest in these relentless duels, proposed a match, and because he thought Jason unbeatable, wagered me a pack of cigarettes that I could not win... Those of you who know me well know that my nicotine habit is more important to me than breathing, so these were VERY high stakes for me indeed.

Jason was sober, as far as I know, he's always BEEN sober, I won't say, however, that this gave him any sort of advantage in the abstract universe that we were about to engage in a battle to the death in, in fact, it might have actually made things more difficult for him, but still, I found that night that I really didn't have much of a shot. Half the audience was a little fried and drunk, and this contributed to the bizarre sort of atmosphere and energy.

The game began simply enough, and quickly went stark raving mad. It was a savage duel, chains and combos of ingenius construction on both sides of the screen, turning disadvantages into ammunition to lob back at the opponent... I won the first game, but it was best two out of three, so I hadn't won just yet. The friend that proposed the match got bent out of shape and said "Jason! You let him win! How could you do that?! Tell you what, I'll let you borrow Final Fantasy 7 if YOU win... You're not getting that pack of cigarettes, Bryce.". The offering of a game may or may not have fueled the seemingly inevitable shitstorm that followed, but I find myself wondering, to this day, what if? What if that unholy bargain had not been made, how would things be different?

The next match was surprisingly more difficult, but no matter what I did I felt I was on the losing end, reacting instead of acting, my cautious planning gone out the window. I struggled to survive, but I lost. I made up my mind that the only option was to so thoroughly and absolutely crush my enemy in the final round that he would never recover. And this conviction proved to be my undoing... As the all powerful A.I. had proven itself a chump in the area of strategy, so soon would I do the same.

The match started ferociously on my end. The more calm, reserved strategy on the other end of the screen was not factoring into my thinking. I mashed on the button to increase the stack size, filling the screen with blocks, then went wild with the most insane, unholy combo I'd ever seen... Cries of surprise and alarm filled the room, it was obvious something truly devastating was building, but none could imagine the horror that would finally make it's appearance, as I'd gone mad with power, and the chain showed no sign of ending. Jason said "I don't even WANT to know what's going on over there.".

Finally, I think it was a X27 chain in the end... There was a gasp, as Jason had only three rows of blocks on the bottom of the screen, and the biggest garbage block I'd ever seen smashed into place, towering so high that its face could not be seen on the screen. I felt a moment of elation. I'd done it. There was no way he could win now... But I'd made a drastic error, and I knew when I saw the smirk on Jason's face that the chickens were going to come home to roost, surly with scotch and jacked up on speed. I'd given him just the ammunition he'd needed.

My screen began to fill with blocks, strategicly staggered so as to prevent the massive ass-kicking spree that had ensued on his side of the screen. I tried to keep up, but I'd blown it early. I learned a valuable lesson about strategy that day. I'd perceived what I thought was weakness, but like a naive young warrior engaging a seasoned ronin in battle, I'd darted in for the kill, not realizing that it was all part of the plan, only to be cut in two without a moment's hesitation.

My friend was so impressed with the outcome that I actually got my pack of cigarettes, even though I'd lost, and Jason actually got ahold of FF 7, after repeatedly reminding my friend of the wager. I believe that was the last time I played Tetris Attack, and so ends my story.

marr0w 
Sunday, March 8, 2009, 04:21 AM
One of these days we need to get together and see how rusty the two of us have become at the ol' game. It should be noted, however, that the game is far from dead. It's been reincarnated as Pokemon Puzzle League (Currently available from the Wii's Virtual Console), and most recently under it's ORIGINAL title: Puzzle League on the Gameboy along with Dr Mario. Best part is, if you buy a copy of Dr Mario/Puzzle League it will automatically download itself onto a connected Gameboy so that both players can play it in multiplayer...

Munin 
Monday, March 23, 2009, 08:34 PM
whenever i manage to come down there, i am SO bringing puzzle fighter.....

FEAR!!! :devil:

Comments 
Comments are not available for this entry.