2004-11-13 Dear Die-ary

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Hmmmm... so, the question. What would you say to yourself if you could send a message into the past? If you ever find yourself in a McMeaties, don't order the salad. Ahhh, but I kid. Well, sorta, those things are more disgusting than the filth you find at the bottom of a fish tank after 3 years of neglect! But you know this, as I know this. I know alot about things in general. I've traveled, I've slept, I've fought... Nothing out of the usual, right? Bah... the stupidity of the mundane gets to me. The filth I see pouring off the idiot masses sicken me. I've grown accustomed to certain types of filth. There are some that need to be exposed for the horrors they are, but yet... in time will actualy show that spark of intelligence you only seem to get when you drain someone of thier sticky life-fluids and they realise, at the last second, they where wrong. I've seen alot of this as of late. It really surprises me sometimes. I don't know what point in our journey you are. Or what outcome your destined for. So thusly, I begin at the begining. I know that the doughboys got into my head and things went bad. I listened to them so much I neglected to realise that they where speaking on their own. They silenced Nailbunny, and through their actions, silenced me. But I lived. Perhaps I drept it, perhaps not. It perplexed me... I found myself wondering around aimlessly searching for some sort of reassurance that the events I could recall where not the dillusions of a mad man. I checked myself into an institute and slept... Not once did I awaken with less hair, or with a new hole in my head, so I assume that was real too. Finaly I left, much to the dismay of the doctors. Went to start my work again. The lessons where the same, but I found myself distracted. The smell of the bodies in the basement was getting to me. I packed my bags and left. Hit the airport and snuck onto a random airplane. Daggers in hand, of course. No one seems to notice me that way... Halfway through the flight the annoyances on the plane vanished. My CD suddenly changed. I went from Behtoven to the theme to the ATeam abrubtly. Now, I could have just been delirious, but now that I look back, I'm not so sure... reguardless we landed. Tokyo, Japan I do believe. I spent weeks watching the locals from a distance. They where just like the meat-sacks back home... but more peacefull... reguardless something seemed... off... I mean, of course there was something odd about the place. Suddenly I'd picked up Japanese, or else the entire country spoke english. I couldn't pick it out. I went to a movie to try to find out more about the event, but wound up having it ruined for me by the arragont idiots who kept kicking my seat. Finaly, when a few others began to laugh at my misfortune, I rose to my feet and showed them exactly why you should respect someone's private space. Oddly enough, there was a moment in the blood shed that I swear I could hear the voice of Eff, laughing at me. I stumbled out of there a wreck... police actualy showed up! They ignored the blood soaked dagger weilder, but what's new? Walking around randomly I ended up crossing paths with a strange man from America, like us, named Terry. He had this weird trick where he'd cast off light from his arms, like something from a video game or something. Looked like fun, so I showed my daggers to him and demanded he attack me. That was the first time I recall going after someone with my blades and not trying to kill them. He knew our lessons, he knew why we forced the fools to learn... it was... unique... I sat thinking about it even as Terry forced me to accept a drink he'd bought for me. No cherry fiz-wiz, but good none the less. He told me the place was some kind of world where people would randomly find themselves... tried to get me to believe that everything was just a show or movie to someone else. What the fuck?? I mean, I know this... life is just a matter of perspective... but I could see what he ment, Tokyo was just odd... people kept asking me how I got there and no one would take "airplane" for a straight answer. More than once I drew the daggers over the matter. I found myself an apartment that had recently become "abandoned" when the previous tennant wound up being accidently roasted alive. They never did find him.... oh well, that sort of thing happens alot around me... heh-heh-heh... Anyways, after a few weeks I began hearing Eff again. Mr Fuck and Psycho Doughboy... it was like they where still alive.... the voices had come back to haunt me. I wanted to hide myself away. Find someone who could cut the voices from my head and burry them finaly. I went to Terry seeking advice, as he was the only one I felt I could hold a conversation with. Terry agreed to help me find a way to quiet them as long as I could put a stop to the "lessons", or more specificly, to the outcome of those lessons. Reluctantly I agreed, only to silence those screaming loons in my mind. It was then that things got really weird.... Terry came running up to me a few days later telling of a story that Eff had been in his room. Descibed him perfectly! I don't know what was happening, but it seemed they where back. I started to see them following me around as I walked. Other people apparently saw them, like a mass hallucination. I'm still not sure what happened but I met this little girl who worked at a local tavern named Emi. She was so... innocent. She polietly asked me to put away the weapons, and Eff arrived. From then on it's a blur. We ended up in the middle of a large stadium. There was this beautiful angel... and then... silence. Not like real silence, but silence in my head. They where gone!! The voices had left me!! I thought I had finaly regained my sanity, but fate struck again. I found myself subjected to visions of beasts tearing holes into the walls of the buildings and feeling the ground taken away beneath my feet. Then I was in another city. Okinawa... just like it was a normal day. I wondered around in a daze... On a chance I saw the tavern that Terry frequented in the middle of the city. It was the same tavern! I went inside not knowing what to expect, and ran into a girl named Sammy. Sammy was cute, but something about her was hauntingly familar... She recognised the confusion on my face and came to ask if I needed some assistance. Apparently something had happened and the city had been destroyed. Somehow someone or something moved everyone to this other city to get away. I just gave up. I was so tired of trying to understand things by this point. It was then that thing got more confusing. She informed me that she was Terry's daughter! Which explained the familiarity I experienced. She told me that her father had fought to save her from wherever by exchanging places with her, and she didn't know when they'd be reunited. I know your going to think ill of me for this... I still don't know what came over me, but I felt obligated to watch over her. I felt like I owed that one person who actualy seemed to give a damn about me to look after his offspring. Heh, I dunno if looking after was the right choice of words. On many occasions we'd fight, just for the sake of fighting. Oh the joys of being beaten to an inch of your life just to remind yourself you still live. She was much the same. At one point she took me out to an area the locals called "The Badlands". Seemed like something to do at the time. The Badlands where the only area of town where you could go out, find something living, and slaughter it without anyone caring... even the police would excuse it. It became one of my favorite places to roam. Anyways, this one time we went out there... we where attacked by the lizard creatures. Just like something out of some stupid fucking fantasy movie. I felt like some kind of comic book hero or something. Then this guy stepped out. This real mean guy named Seraph. Seraph ment business... he wanted Sammy for some reason. I stood between him and her and he did something to me... he had this weapon that he used to cut me in two, but instead it changed me... it made me feel like I did when Eff was in control. Nothing mattered but bloodshed. I started to attack everything that moved. Eventualy I even attacked Sammy. Then we ended up in some castle... or a palace or something. I know, I know, I sound like some insane idiot, but I swear it happened. I went after Seraph for fucking with my mind... getting into the one place I don't allow anyone to fuck with. But it didn't work... I couldn't do anything... I awoke on the street the next day. The dead bodies from the lizard creatures where everywhere... and there was Sammy in some kind of daze... I tried to help her, but it seemed like the most important part of her was gone. Replaced by something not of this world. A few days later I found myself frustrated, the need to show these morons a thing or two about life got into my head and I needed to find a release. I went into the tavern with the intention of picking a fight... instead this guy named Cale that owned the place managed to lock me up. The next morning I was drug out before everyone. They mocked me and laughed at me... it was worse than anything those self centered bitches back home had ever done to me. Then, before I could react, there was Sammy. She sat there with this look on her face like she was the queen bitch of the world and started telling Cale that I needed to be put to sleep... like I was some dog that had gotten rabies. I couldn't stand it! I was so fucking pissed that I'd stuck my neck out for this bitch and here she was turning out just as fake as all the others. The obiedent morons in the room came at me. That's when I realised it, it was Sammy... it was Seraph... somehow he was inside her. I struggled to fight back but it was in vain. As soon as I broke free Cale took his sword and impaled me.. I should have lost my arm... but somehow I didn't. Somehow I lived. When I came to my senses everything was like some kind of dream. My skin was black... completly black, like some kind of living shadow. I found that if I concentrated I could actualy step into shadows! I followed the bitch home... found her sitting in a daze on her couch. I went to attack and this jack ass friend of hers comes out of the kitchen. Next thing I know I'm being impaled several dozen times with some kind of stupid fucking trick the bastard pulled out his ass at the last second. I lay on the floor broken and beaten... not knowing what to do next. Then it was all gone. Just like when I drempt I shot myself in the head. I found myself standing in Seraph's palace. But it was diffrent. There was this guy, called himself some kind of demon, named Benedict. He gave me this new set of daggers with black blades. Told me if I did what he asked I could finaly get revenge on all those jackasses... told me about how these new daggers could grant me all kinds of power... Then he arranges a little rematch between me and Seraph. Just like he claimed, they worked. I made short work of the fucking bitch. Just holding those daggers made me feel like I could take on the world. They made my skin grow black and I could literaly jump from one shadow to another from inside the shadows. It was so much fun... But of course, every fantasy ends, and I opened my eyes to discover myself in Sammy's apartment again. The place was empty, looked like it had been for years. The only thing diffrent was that I still had those daggers. Infact, I still have them right now. Turns out whenever I use them, this Benedict bitch got stronger. This other one, Cassandra, had gotten inside of Sammy. Apparently that was the bitch barking out the death command... not Seraph like I had thought. I went after her... determined to cut this piece of filth from her, but we ended up just inviting more madness. When it ended we had somehow totaled a good chuck of the city block. Even got my name in the newspaper! Said 86 people had been killed in the aftermath and 140+ where left with injuries. I don't know if I was proud of it or not. I spent the next 4 months inside my own head. Over and over again I relived my own actions. It just kept getting worse until my mind shut down. I lay in a comma until Terry of all people, found me. I don't know what he did but he brought me back. He asked me about his daughter and I told him what I knew of things. Then, Cassandra, the real Cassandra, decided to make an appearance. Fucking bitch told him that she was keeping me like a pet until some time that i would be needed. Terry bitched her out, told her that I was his "friend" and that he needed me to help his daughter. Fucking bitch eventualy let me out in exchange that once Sammy had been found I agreed to go back. Well, fuck that shit. I got out. We found Sammy actually fighting Benedict! Somehow the bastard got to her. It was one hell of a fight.. but we finaly put the little shit to rest. From that point on life was hell, I kept waiting for that fucking bitch Cassandra to find me... I spent the time in hiding, knowing that if I showed my face those 86 deaths where going to come back to haunt me. Sammy finaly found me. Agreed to help me fight Cassandra... we started sparing up on Cale's roof, making sure that we where ready when Sammy started turning black, like I now did when I used the daggers. Her mind seemed like it was gone again, replaced by something just like me. That's when I realised it. She was a waste lock, just like me! That's why these bitches kept after the the two of us! Well, right on cue, Cassandra shows up. The slut shrugs off Sammy like she was nothing and gives me this line of crap about how Sammy was dead, and that she'd been dead for quite some time. Finaly I had enough, I pulled out the daggers and went after her. It was a hell of a fight, blood, lightning... the works. I was just about to kill the fucking bitch when Cale showed up.... fucked everything up. Next thing I know I'm being thrown into some kinda vortex or something... ended up in the one place I never thought I'd see again. Our house. The girl from the tavern, the cute one, Emi, was there... I can't really explain it. I wonder sometimes if I didn't just dream the whole thing... but anyways, we went into the basement, and there was Eff... only now he was called Sickness... Looked like some kind of bug or something, but it was Eff... I'd know that little shit anywhere... I could feel him... like an extension of that crap that seems to come out of everyone.... it was inside me... it was choking me... but Sickness made a mistake. Sickness didn't know about Benedict's daggers. I tore that fucking doll thing into pieces... as I did I could feel all that shit that had been stolen from my mind come back to me. For the first time I could actualy REMEMBER why I started killing these little shits in the first place. Then the world went black. It was just me and Emi. I could feel the way the shadows moved... everything was so clear. I managed to pull the shadows back and we found ourselves standing in some forest... it was so... peacefull.. we decided to hell with the rest of the world. Fuck it all, let it all just grow old and die... We ended up staying there, intent on just watching things and seeing where they ended up... I guess it was all that shit that had happened to me, but no matter how much time passed, we never changed. Always the same.. always unchanging... I watching things come and go... people being born and dying... it was... nice. I discovered that with practice I could move from one place to another by concentrating on it... just like some dream... that's how I ended up here. Well, here for me is in the back of a video store I used to break into back in Okinawa to use the computer system to look up movies. I just kinda.... move, between here and the cliff I tend to sit on... just watching...

I think, maybe I'm just in some kind of comma... like I drempt the whole thing. But then, I am here typing, aren't I? I don't know what to think. I don't know what to make of everything... but here I am. Well, if you are me, or if you are just some figment, I guess we'll see... and I guess the answer to my question is avoid airplanes. Avoid flight all together... unless your ready to see where it ends...


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