Max: Role playing is a crime against humanity in of itself, Sam. I say we through them both in the clink!
I'm drug online from the depths of my solitude due to a friend request from a homicidal bunny and his pun filled partner. While that does fill my heart with a form of glee, curiosity burns within me. Why, pray tell befriend such a bit of worthless scum as myself?
Your not looking to arrest me are you? I swear I'm not responsible for all those bodies. They just happened to fall upon the torture equipment on their own! I.... didn't report it because my phone didn't work and I suffered a case of temporary amnesia. Wait? What am I doing now? See! There it goes again. Who are you?
Sam: Pleased to meet you, Mister... C, was it? We're Sam and Max: Freelance Police!
Max: And we're bigger than a breadbox!
Sam: We've been authorized by the Police Commissioner of whatever the hell state this is to apprehend your nefarious butt and drag it to jail where you'll most likely not learn your lesson and be released after a short term only to repeat your heinous crimes against humanity.
Max: Way to gush a load of liberal negativity, Sam. Have you been listening to those stupid Presidential debates again? Anyway, 'Nny, Sam and I are here to investigate your little house of horrors here. Sorry to say that we probably could have been good friends. We like your style. Brutalizing evildoers is always a blast. But, insane as we are, we've never been fond of straight-out murder, especially not toward innocent people. I'm sure you understand.
Understand? UNDERSTAND?!?!? I can't go to jail! The filth on the walls, the horrible people, the awful food! It'll be like high school all over again! Do you have any idea how terrible that was for me? Did anyone ever ask me what led me to my life of heinous murder? Sure, I didn't have the breaks you guys did. I wasn't given PERMISSION to kill, maim, and torture people that may or may not have been considered guilty before or after such acts of aggression!
Hmmm... although I will admit to being slightly intrigued by such a position. How about we write it off with a warning and you ponder the idea of yet another spunky murderous sidekick? I've got nothing better to do today. Besides, it really smells down there. Do you have any idea how foul a hundred or so rotting corpses can be? I'm ashamed to even be associated with them...
Besides, they deserved what I did to them. I took in the scum, the heartless. I tried to teach them the error in their ways and lead them along a better path. Sure I could have used better methods, and they usually died before I made my point, but you can't deny that some people simply deserve whats coming to them. Maaaybe I shouldn't have taken things into my own hands. Maybe I shouldn't have killed all those people in Taco Hell for calling me 'wacky', and yeah, maybe I enjoyed myself a bit too much but does that really make me a bad person?
Max: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back up there, Speedy! You're saying Sam and I don't know what it was like to get kicked around in school?
Sam: Hell, why do you think we wanted to be cops in the first place? Try growing up as the only two talking animal creatures in your school...
Max: With a creep like Melon Hargraves dressing you up in his sister's clothes and giving you pink bellies...
Sam: And stealing your lunch every day...
Max: And setting fire to the school gymnasium and blaming it on you...
Sam: But, Max... We did do that one!
Max: Oh yeah, right.
Sam: That aside, we know what it's like to be on the lowest rung of the societal food chain. We didn't get any breaks either. We've just channeled our pent-up aggression into punishing those who truly are deserving of it and taking the sort of cases that the average, mentally healthy individuals can't handle.
Max: You have to look at your horrific mistreatment at the hands of others as training for how to handle hellish monstrosities rather than creating them!
Max: OUR MONTHLY PAYCHECK CAME IN TODAY! LET'S GO GET SNOW CONES WITH NNY, SAM!
Sam: While I generally look down on fraternizing with those who may or may not be our mortal adversaries, I am getting pretty hungry and you know I can't resist a good frozen treat. With that in mind, Max and I are heading out for lunch, everyone! We'll be back in an hour or so.
Max: You can come if you want, Johnny, but no killing people! Bludgeoning is okay, but explicit murder is a no-no!
Can I bludgeon with sharp objects? Sharp objects are always my favorite...
Sam: If they're sharp, then you're not really bludgeoning, now are you?