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So finally, Shiro had decided to tell Adam the truth -- the FULL truth -- of what he'd had to do in space. What he'd gone through while out there. Adam had been looking forward to this... and also dreading it. Because he knew that, after he heard the full measure of what Shiro had gone through out there, what had happened to him in his time in space -- in his time trying to save the universe -- that he (Adam, that is) was going to feel like a massive heel for having ended their relationship.
The feeling was already there, honestly... considering he had apparently died at the first charge, so to speak, and had contributed very little to the overall effort except another unit to the body count. But truth be told, maybe it was for the best, given that. Maybe Shiro had time to forget about him, so maybe... just maybe... them not being together had made the pain less?
Anyway, that was neither here nor there. For now, Adam had chosen to make this as comfortable as possible for Shiro. He'd found some of a tea that he remembered Shiro liking, and made something small for them both to snack on while they talked -- chocolate-filled obanyaki, small fried pancake things with chocolate custard inside them. He put these things on the coffee table in front of the couch -- the dining room chairs weren't as comfortable as the couch. If this is going to be an important conversation, he wants to make certain that both of them are comfortable.
Shiro sighs a little. "Alright, well..." he murmurs, "You've already heard most of things, but I'll leave out none of the details now." He takes a breath and tries to prep his lungs, mouth, and throat for this. "When Sam, Matt, and I went to Keroberos we got there successfully. We were taking ice samples when we were suddenly captured by some Galra." He sets into the tea and snacks. "They decided that Sam wasn't fit enough for their entertainment values, so they automatically sent him to be a scientist. They sent me and Matt to be in their arena. Then I attacked Matt so he'd be too injured to fight and they sent him off to a different place, but they kept me there and put me into a lot of fights to the death," he states. At this point he'd go far more in detail about his time in the arena and what was done to him there by his Galran captors and how badly he had to pretend to be someone else to keep his own sanity from having to kill people so much.
Adam listens here, taking small bites of the snacks and small sips of his tea, and keeping his expression carefully neutral. He feels that the best thing for Shiro right now is for him to be non-judgemental about everything that's coming out of his mouth right now. It's hard though. It's hard to hear this. But Adam has never shied away from the truth, no matter how horrible it was, and he's not going to start now.
And more than that? Yeah, he feels like an incredible heel. He ended his relationship with Shiro over the Kerberos mission, and it was that mission that put Shiro through all this... but it also led him to literally saving the universe. If he hadn't gone, what would have happened? Earth would certainly have fallen. And now that Adam does have the luxury of considering how he himself failed...
...What? What could he really say, even to himself, that would fix what happened? Not a damn thing.
Besides, this isn't about salving Adam's ego. This is about Shiro, and a lot of things that made him uncomfortable enough not to want to tell Adam. Things that he probably wouldn't tell anyone else. Things that he probably needed to get out, to finally tell someone.
Once Shiro's done with it all, there is a noticeable tension in Adam's back. He's trying really hard not to just hug Shiro. Instead, he takes a breath to steady his voice. And then he says -- quietly, so the tremor in his voice won't be heard, "...I'm sorry you had to go through all of that..."
He's trying so hard to stay calm, to offer a calm, non-judgemental front for Shiro. One quality they most definitely both share... that wanting to do their screaming on the inside...
"It's nothing you could have helped," Shiro insists, "After all of that, a Galran from the Blade of Marmora helped me escape and I went back to Earth to help the blades find something called the Blue Lion, but I got a case of amnesia from the crash...Keith, Lance, Hunk, and Pidge 'saved' me from quarentine and Keith lead us to the Lion...where we had to take off because we were being chased, and the Lion piloted us to the castle of princess Allura...and after that we all became her paladins in the fight to save the universe from Zarkon."
He would continue on, explaining the rest of the war in detail from that moment up until the end when Allura and Haggar sacrified themselves. Shiro is staying calm as well, as much as he didn't want to dump this on Adam...but he had to know eventually.
It's a lot to take in. Adam's kind of abandoned the snacks and tea at this point -- his stomach is in knots, trying to eat right now isn't happening. Shiro had spoken a little bit about these events, but... not to this degree of detail. He hadn't talked about the torture, both physical and psychological, at the hands of the Galra -- at the hands of Sendak -- while he was a slave in the arena, when they were trying to break him. He hadn't gone into detail about the degree of suffering everyone went through. So many people lost so much in getting where they ended up...
The part of the epic galaxy-spanning story of salvation that is rarely glamorized, after all, is the suffering of the people inside the story... the things they lost, the trauma inflicted on them, the way their lives were changed, and would never be the same. Salvation is never free.
It almost seems unfair that the rest of their world gets to enjoy the fruits of the Paladins' labor while they themselves suffered so much. But then again, that's kin of why they gave up what they did... so others could live without fear and pain.
Adam's got his hands folded in his lap now, partly to keep himself from clenching those hands into fists, and partly holding him back from hugging Shiro. It's not like it would do any good now. Besides, he's been trying to rein in such displays. They're not a couple now, and he doesn't want things to get awkward. He hates awkwardness.
Though, all things considered, it might actually make things less awkward -- Adam's kind of sitting there on the couch with his back ramrod straight, trying not to look like he's holding tremors back, and not knowing what the hell to even say. So... well, he says that. "I feel like I should say something... but I'm not sure what I should say," he admits. And then something finally does occur to him. "Takashi. This... none of this makes me think any less of you. None of it. You were doing what you had to do."
"...Thank you," Shiro replies, "It means a lot...it was some time I spent feeling less than human. I still don't know if it was my mind or Sendak himself, saying those things when he was in the cryopod... so it's nice to be reminded that I'm not something else..."
Logic, Adam. Logic! His voice still quiet, Adam offers, "I don't think it was him, if he was inside a cryopod. But after everything he did, it's no wonder you'd think those things. That's what he wanted you to believe about yourself, and there wasn't time for you to come to grips with what had happened, to stop blaming yourself for it..."
Though logic isn't going to keep Adam restrained forever. Given he still has his feelings for Shiro, and knowing that he just dredged up all this pain? Yeah, no... his resolve is eventually going to fail him. ('What harm could it possibly do?') a voice inside him asks. ('He's already been hurt far beyond your ability to affect by this point.') Besides, friends hug each other, right? Maybe not so much male friends, but... there are exceptions to evey rule. So...
"...I'm sorry." It's about the only warning Shiro gets before Adam's leaning in quickly, for a hug. Here, then, is where Shiro can tell Adam's been trying to hold back his shaking. He might not realize it's from anger at what had been done to Shiro, and frustration that he couldn't stop it -- that there was no way for anyone to stop it -- but he can definitely tell Adam's shaking.
Shiro blinks and hugs at Adam in turn. "Sorry for what," he wonders, obviously not minding the hug, "Are you alright," he asks curiously, "You seem cold..."
Adam sighs, seeming to relax now, for some reason. Well, that was certainly an illogical reaction. However, he does note, "It's not that." And he doesn't let go of Shiro yet. "I'm upset you had to go through all that. Not just you. Everyone involved. You all lost so much. It just seems so unfair..." He trails off here. Adam already knows that whining about the unfairness of life isn't going to get anybody anywhere!
Takashi Shirogane shakes his head slightly. "Most of us went through that by choice," he notes, "It was not pleasant and we lost things, but most of it was not forced..." Granted he would be part of the things NOT covered in that 'most'.
Adam is far too rooted in logic to really talk about why all that bothers him so much. Besides, this isn't about letting him get that upset out. It's about letting Shiro get all this off his chest. He takes a breath...
...Dammit. Adam never really did forget Shiro's scent, did he? It's different now, in ways he can't explain, yet it's similar enough that he still recognizes it. So he lets himself concentrate on that for a moment. It helps him calm down.
Once more he sighs, and then after a final pat at Shiro's back, lets go. "I'm sorry," he says again, and offers by way of explanation, "You're the one who needs the emotional suport right now. I let my emotions get the better of me."
Takashi Shirogane says, "It's fine," Shiro states, "I've had plenty of time, you have not..." It's not that he's 'over' it of course. He's already given Adam proof of that with his nightmares, but Shiro will be Shiro, and Adam needs time to adjust and recover too."
"Well... I don't know if they have psychiatrists here," Adam notes. "And I know you don't like to talk about the things that upset you. But if you do need to, or just want to talk about something, let me know. That's the least I can do, after not having been there for you when it would have mattered."
This is not only to salve his conscience for not being there, but an attempt to salve his ego for having been among the first to die, and to have really contributed so little to the efforts to save his world.
Shiro nods in reply. "I'm sorry I didn't manage to save you the first time," he murmurs, "Hopefully we don't get to a point where I'm causing you trouble again...you already did so much for me before, Adam. You hardly owe me anything for doing what needed to be done... but what did I do for you in the end?" No, this isn't meant as some sarcastic guilt trip, he's meaning this seriously.
"You picked up the ball where I dropped it," Adam replies seriously. "You successfully protected something I couldn't. If you hadn't been there, Earth would still be occupied by the Galra. And things would probably have gotten worse -- for everyone -- from what you've said. Even if it needed to be done, you did it, where I couldn't."
Takashi Shirogane shakes his head. "But what did I do for you," he insists, "It's not as if either of us knew what was coming...you didn't see the Galra coming from years away and decide that you'd do what you did...you were forced into that situation because of your orders."
Adam can't argue that. He did think it was strange that Sanda hadn't sent out their new fighters. He'd thought she was merely gauging the aliens' power -- a not unsound battle tactic -- and it got away from her. But once a few of their fighters had been shot down, she should have sounded the retreat and recalled the rest. Now knowing what he did, from the story that Shiro told, the late Admiral Sanda was just being an idiot at best, and at worst was actively working to ensure Sendak's conquest of Earth.
On the other hand! "You didn't do anything to hurt me either," he points out. "I don't pretend to understand anything metaphysical. But after what you've told me, I'm starting to wonder if you even had control over your need to go into space. It sounds like you might have been... well, being 'called' by something. If you hadn't gone, no one would have ever made it back from there to let anyone know that there was danger in the first place."
Takashi Shirogane rubs at his own neck a little. "Yes but...the fact that the best thing I could really do for you was leave you...it doesn't say so good for how I was to you, does it?"
"If it makes you feel better, I was the one that left you," Adam points out. He had been the one to officially end their relationship, after that last incident with the higherups trying to get Shiro removed from the mission entirely. Here he pauses, and seems to think about something. "...I wonder if I would have made it any better had I tried to come with you. I had all the requisite training, and I could have been a backup pilot."
Takashi Shirogane shivers at that thought. "Thankfully, you didn't have to go through that though..." he murmurs, "I don't know how well the two of us could have protected you from the Galra...or the other fighters..."
"I got cornered with superior technology in a craft that didn't have a hope of facing what it was put against," Adam replies. "If I'd been on the ground, I might have had a decent chance. I almost never miss what I'm shooting at." Which probably doesn't help with that thought Shiro just had. How deadly would the Galra have been if they'd had a sniper of Adam's caliber (no pun intended) as a slave?
"You would have been pitted against your own kind if you were around for that," Shiro states, "Maybe set up in a game against me for some extra fun..."
"And I don't think there's a font big enough to capture the amount of sarcasm I can hear in the word 'fun'," Adam points out. It's a horrible thought, really, having to fight to the death against Shiro. He's not sure which way would be kinder. Besides that, he's not the combatant that Shiro is. He doesn't lag too far behind, true... but that wouldn't have been the ideal way to figure out which one of them would have won...
"Yeah...well it wouldn't have been sarcastic for them," Shiro states, "...don't get me wrong, it's not all the Galra, but those specific ones...they were especially interested in little else but the suffering of anything they considered less than themselves..."
Adam nods. He'd been trying to lighten the mood just a little, since Shiro seemed to need it. But doing that with jokes was... well, that kind of humor was hardly his forte. However, he does get an idea for something that might help. "Well... I don't know how it happened, but... we're here now. I guess that means we have another chance."
He pauses at that, realizing what it sounded like. "I mean... I have another chance to live, and you finally have the chance to relax," he clarifies. Don't blush. Don't blush. Don't freaking blush...
"Yeah," Shiro replies, seeming to cheer back up some. He'd start snacking again and drinking his tea. "...but me...relaxing...heh...it seems like the first thing suggested to me where ever I turn is more fighting based tasks.... I'm really going to have to work on something from the ground up to get a new job, I think."
Adam relaxes here, having seemed to have cheered Shiro up. And better yet, his wording slip seems to have gone unnoticed! The mention of having to start over gets s tilt of his head. "That's possible," he acknowledges. "I think Monday I'm going to see if the school needs another teacher. With any luck, they'll have an opening, and I won't look too freakish for them to hire me."
"You don't look freakish at all," Shiro replies, "You look like what you are...someone who risked your wellbeing for the sake of others'." Reacting to the rest of Adam's words about going to the school Monday, he smiles and nods. "Good luck teach'," he says with a grin, "but I think you'll make it just fine."
It almost does feel like it did back then. But Adam has a keen awareness that it isn't like that. Shiro's older and (hopefully) wiser, and Adam is... a little older, he supposes? But nonetheless, he chuckles at 'teach'. "I hope so. If there's enough kids for a school, they might need teachers, since people are just pulled here from wherever they were."
And another idea! "I also need to visit that welcome center," he notes. "A much-belated visit, maybe, but if they have information down there, we could probably stand to learn about this place a little bit."
Shiro nods in reply. "We could go there together sometime, yeah," he agrees with a grin, "It's a date." Is he teasing or not? It's hard to tell sometimes.
Adam suddenly tries really hard not to blush. "W-well..." he begins, stuttering a bit. "I don't know if I'd go that far..." He would. He totally would. In a heartbeat. And that's why he shouldn't. It would be too easy to just... go back to the way things were. And that's why he can't. Because Adam is confused, lost, and upset... over a lot of things. Now is not the time to try to latch onto old connections as a way to hold onto familiarity. That wouldn't be fair to Shiro.
"Well yeah," Shiro replies just as good naturedly as before, "But we should both check it out. It might not teach us much, but it should teach us more than we know."
Adam gives a small sigh -- partly in relief and partly in irritation. Though not at Shiro. Why is this so big of a deal to him? Shiro has clearly gotten over it, if he's able to joke about it. So why's it still such a big deal to Adam? This makes him kind of annoyed at himself. But he keeps that to himself. Instead he nods. "That's what I'm counting on. Everything I've learned so far leads me to believe there isn't a way back to the world we came from... but personally I'm not too upset about that, considering I'm supposed to be dead there anyway."
"And I feel like they can go without me by now," Shiro states, "It's like an involuntary vacation."
Adam gives a sheepish look. "Honestly, I don't know that I'd call it that, either," he notes. "You've been basically taking care of me the whole time." Thankfully Adam's mostly recovered, so he doesn't have to. "I do appreciate it, but I'm glad you don't have to do that now."
"It's not exactly problematic after what I have been doing," Shiro states, "And it's in good company."
"Well... true..." Adam agrees. Though it's been a little awkward for Adam, since... well. He couldn't reach his back during baths! Thankfully he can now -- combination of actually having a back-scrubber now, and his ribs not being so problematic. "Definitely far more mundane than everything you've been through thus far."
"That and you're a breeze compared to four kids," Shiro says with a chuckle, "Especially four kids in a spaceship."
Adam chuckles. "Particularly Keith. He must have been a handful without trouble to get into that didn't mean he could steal something," he notes. Maybe a bit uncharitable, but his last experience with the kid was a big argument and Keith running away. And he does feel more than a little guilty that he couldn't take care of Keith.
...Which was something else that Adam hasn't told Shiro... how that went. Then again, Keith might have. Or maybe not, since Keith was kind of an ass about the whole thing...
"Yeah, he got better, but not before things like leaving Voltron in the leadership of my clone while he went to help the Blades," Shiro notes. Despite it being mentioned like a misbehavior, it doesn't seem like he actually holds it against Keith.
Adam sighs. "At least it ended up all right in the end," he notes. A pause. "Well... since you told me the truth... it feels only fair that I tell you more about what happened with Keith while you were gone..." he offers. He sounds like he dreads it. "...After the Kerebos mission was declared failed due to pilot error -- no, I didn't believe that, by the way -- I did try to find some more information about why they closed it so quickly. But every time I found a little bit, whenever I tried to look for more, it was always behind a 'classified' barrier.
"I realized that, if they'd gone to this much trouble to hush everything up, that it had to be something fishy. But also that, since they did go to this much trouble, that if I found something, that I would probably get in trouble. I didn't want Keith involved in it, so I pretended to accept it. He... didn't take it too well. A couple of days before he disappeared entirely -- probably when you all went into space -- he and I had a pretty heated argument over dinner. I sent him to his room, and he was gone in the morning," he explains.
Shiro sighs and shakes his head. "I can't say I'm surprised," he replies, "Sorry that things got rough with him...if I had ANY idea things were going to go the way they had, I'd have definitely left you with some better assistance in dealing with Keith and his temper."
"I'm not sure what you could have done," Adam replies. "Keith is the way he is. Though I'm glad he seems to have gotten better about all that. I just wish I could have apologized before... well, before I died."
"It's not as if it's your fault any of it happened," Shiro points out, "There's not much you should have to apologize for. You were trying to protect him."
Adam tilts his head, first one way and then the other, in a gesture indicating 'maybe'. "That's true. But then I guess there's no real point in dwelling on it, since it's all in the past now," he notes quietly. He leans back on the couch, now less tense.
"That's true," Shiro agrees, "I'm not worried about things and you shouldn't be either. I wouldn't be helping you out this much if you were a bother to me. You're one of the most important people, so...this is fine."
Adam... actually blushes at that, though he tries not to show it. He looks away, at the coffee table. "I don't know if I'm 'one of the most important people', but... I do appreciate the help," He pauses, and then admits, "...And the company."
"If you aren't, then who is," Shiro wonders with a blink. Obviously Keith, but obviously not in the same way... "We were engaged and everything."
Adam's still blushing, though it's rather light. "Yes, but... we aren't now," he points out. "We're... friends, right?" He doesn't want to assume. And then he also notes, "We're both going to get homesick to some degree, like as not, and latching onto each other romantically again because it's familiar... that wouldn't be fair to either one of us. That would be using each other, and I don't want to do that to you."
Shiro nods. "Friends sounds right," he states, "Neither of us want to mess things up for each other again, but it's not as if we parted so messily that we hate each other now either."
"Yeah," Adam agrees. It's one thing he's been grateful for, even before he 'died' back home. Though if Shiro were a less understanding man, he might have developed a dislike for Adam due to the circumstances of their breakup. And Keith's little nickname for him... He chuckles. "...That reminds me. Keith used to call me 'Laundryman'. Because he used to say I hung you out to dry when we broke up."
"Ooof...yeah, I don't feel like that's the case," Shiro states, "We seem to be at a disagreement about who left who even." He chuckles a little. "I mean, it's no question who ended the situation, but which actually left..."
Adam nods. "I guess it doesn't really matter," he replies. "We both did what we felt was right at the time, and I don't think there's any blame to be had in that. As for Keith... he was angry; I was convenient and close to the situation. I understand it."
Shiro nods hesitantly. "I don't want to say it was justified, but in his situation it did make sense..." Shiro sighs, "Unfortunately, it'd be a bit late to scold him for it even if he was here."
"I don't blame him for it," Adam replies. "I never did. I was trying to protect him, but it must have seemed like I had just... well, that I really had just left you to twist in the wind. He wouldn't have known any different. So I can't expect him to act any different."
"True, with how he is about peopling," Shiro replies, "With things like finally meeting his mother, he got a LITTLE better."
Adam nods. "I'm glad. Not just for you, but for him too. That was holding him a back a lot, that he didn't know how to deal with people in general. If he's improved, that should improve things for his life in general."
"It really has," Shiro answers, "It doesn't hurt any that his mom is kind of cool too. I'm sure the Galra are in good hands with her and Kolivian as the ambassadors."
"That's right... you mentioned that it was found out that he was half-Galra," Adam recalls. He sighs. "So much happened that I didn't get to experience. So much that could have been done better, if we'd only known..."
"Unfortunately, the past can't be changed," Shiro states, "And even if it could...well....that might be a bad idea...besides, for the most part things came out better in the end."
Adam nods once more. "That's very true. I suppose we can always wish things were different, but there's not really much point in dwelling on it. So..." He straightens a little, sitting on the couch properly. "Let me get started on a proper dinner, what do you say?"
"Sure, thank you," Shiro states, "I wouldn't be able to eat well without you..." He gives a little chuckle after admitting as much. Honestly he can't sleep well either, but he's not mentioning that one.
Unfortunately, that's something Adam can't really help Shiro with. Well, he could, but it would be super awkward for him.
Adam stands, then, and starts to head into the kitchen. "I hope the obanyaki didn't spoil your appetite too much," he observes. Though at least he doesn't feel bad enough that he can't eat, so that's always a plus!
"Not at all," Shiro says teasingly, "Just don't let the kids know I had my candy before food."
Adam gives a quiet laugh at that. "Our secret," he agrees, smiling mischievously before heading into the kitchen proper.
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